Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Words

Question: Did the word "hipster" EVER have an actual definition in modern (re: last-ten-years-or-so) slang parlance? Or has it always been solely a way for nerds to call other nerds nerds?

Friday, August 27, 2010

Escape to the Movies: "Piranha 3D & Centurion"


And, yes, we talk a little more about "The Expendables."

"Intermission" is a recap of Neil Marshall's movies, and some choice quotes from my interview with him and his wife, actress Axelle Carolyn.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

AICN: "First Class" is Silver-Age X-Men vs. Hellfire Club in the mid-1960s!

(I've had no home web access for about two days, so sorry if this isn't "news" news to you.)

Remember that little speculation I engaged in on Wednesday regarding whether or not Kevin Bacon was playing "the" Sebastian Shaw in Matthew Vaughn/Brian Singer's "X-Men: First Class?" Well, according to Harry Knowles - apparently based on a phone conversation with Singer - he is... and that's not all. From the sound of it (and, yes, AICN so take it with the usual healthy skepticism) Vaughn is being allowed (for now) to make the exact opposite of what one would expect from a Fox-backed comic property.

Go read the whole AICN piece, but the "bullet points" are as follows:

We'll see Professor X and Magneto meet and form the original X-Men.

Film is set in the Kennedy-era 1960s (making this the first Marvel movie to "line up" with the actual era in which the material was written!)

Bacon IS playing Shaw, and "The Hellfire Club" ARE the bad guys.

"The costumes will be far more comic-bookish than we've seen before." One imagines this means the X-Men will be wearing something like their yellow and black/blue Silver Age uniforms, one hopes this extends to certain members of the Hellfire Club as well...

It IS apparently still a "prequel" to the other X-movies; so no Cyclops, Jean Grey, etc. as they're too young in their films to have been around for this. Probably no Wolverine either, (though if there's ONE thing Fox would probably force on them as a condition that'd easily be it.)

Hm...

...PLEASE don't let most of this be bullshit ;)

I mean, I'd happily settle for just a 90-minute text-crawl repeating "sorry about X-Men 3;" but this sounds really, REALLY promising.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

best idea ever

Cable/web is down at home, so I'm doing this on the road. Happened upon the magical "we have wifi" sign at a small "artisanal market"/cafe type joint called "Coven" here in Salem, MA - where, already, it looks like a lot of y'all tourists are ALREADY descending, so have fun ;)

Anyway, check out what they got in this place:


Yeah, that's a "buffet"-type setup of BREAKFAST CEREALS (real ones.) The idea is you buy a bowl and then fill it up however. I've heard of places doing this, never seen one in the wild - AWESOME. Rest of the stuff ain't bad either - "nostaglia-kitsch" kinda atmosphere goin' on, lots of local /natural foodstuffs, board games and such on the tables, and what seems to be a good list of beer and wine. So glad I wandered in here. Place is on Essex St. in Salem, in case anyone currently-local is looking at this and it strikes yer fancy.

EDIT: just now actually looked at the menu. Sample of nicknamed items from the sandwich menu: "The Fraggle Rock," "The He-Man," "The Super Mario Brothers" (meatball panini), "The Truffle Shuffle." What a find. I like these guys.

Friday, August 20, 2010

go see "Piranha 3D"

Somebody needs to get fired over this.

THIS movie should've been screening for weeks before it came out, just to get word out about all the "you've got to see this" insanity of it. Instead they barely even showed it to critics. Fools.

Anyway, just got back from it and it's AWESOME - an authentic, no-bullshit splatterfest thats all about how much gore, blood, over-the-top death scenes and gratuitously-naked gorgeous women it can wring out of it's thin premise (school of prehistoric super-piranha versus a lake full of Spring Break kids.)

I literally could not name a single film recently in theaters that spills as much onscreen blood in it's whole running time as THIS one does during it's extended ten-minute "piranha attack partygoers" sequence.

Riley Steel and Kelly Brook perform a nude underwater dance/lesbian sex-act with one another. For like two or three solid minutes. IN 3D. It is literally the single finest argument on behalf of the 3D format ever produced.

Ving Rhames essentially becomes the Bruce-Campbell-as-Ash of cinematic fish-fighters.

A speedboat drives through/over a crowd of several-dozen swimmers.

Christopher Lloyd is in it. So is Richard Dreyfuss. They are both awesome.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Is The Hellfire Club in "X-Men: First Class?"

At this point, I'm not even sure what Matthew Vaughn's "X-Men: First Class" (aka "X-Men 4: Sorry About X-Men 3") is supposed to be - everyone knows it's a "young Xavier & Magneto" story with mostly new characters and younger versions of the familiar ones, but no one yet seems willing to say whether this is a prequel like "Origins: Wolverine" (though casting new actors for Xavier and Cyclops when "O:W" had different ones would seem to negate that) or a reboot.

What everyone has been more-concretely wondering has been just what the "bad guy" is, since this is supposedly the pre-villain Magneto. The government? Other mutants? Mr. Sinister? Well, a dig through the various bits of casting-news turns up a fairly intriguing possibility.

Firstly, today we learn via io9/XMF that January Jones is apparently playing Emma Frost, aka "The White Queen," (another role someone else already had in "Origins") generally-speaking a role most fans begin and end caring about to the degree that she might wear "the costume." But then again, remember that blip awhile back that Kevin Bacon was playing "a bad guy" in this, too? Well, did anyone bother to go look and see if his "bad guy" had a name? Well, he does...

Sebastian Shaw.

If you're an X-Men fan, that name alone ought to send something up your spine - especially coupled with the constant refrain of Frost being a "major" character in the film. In the comics, they were two parts of a bad-guy collective called "The Hellfire Club" - a bunch of Euro-flavored mutant aristocrats who's organization had more than a hint of S&M/instutionalized-decadence hovering about it (re: corsets, whips and lots of anachronistic Victorian fashion) and who's actions more or less kicked-off the infamous "Dark Phoenix" storyline (the Club and the story are both generously-"borrowed" references from an old "Avengers" storyline - the British spy show, not the comic.)

So is some version of THIS the "big threat" for "First Class?" On the one hand, it fits nicely into Vaughn's ever-expanding wheelhouse. On the other hand, an even remotely-faithful version would be pretty far outside "typical" for the series or Fox superhero movies in general: In their original incarnation, the Club seduces Jean Grey into joining their ranks by using illusions to let her live out her "darkest fantasies." Among those fantasies? Morphing into a female plantation mistress in the antebellum American South and taking fetishistic pleasure in personally whipping a disobedient slave girl - "played" in the fantasy by lone black X-Person Storm.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Black Swan

If someone were to ask me, "do you like ballet?," my answer would probably be "no."

...but, on the other hand, I DO like high-maintnance, unusually-flexible, control-freak Ice Queens with self-esteem issues the muscle-strength to kill a man with their calves, so... yeah, I guess I do...

Anyway, Apple has the trailer for Darren Aronofsky's "The Black Swan," which no one is even bothering to pretend isn't better-known as "that movie where Natalie Portman fucks Mila Kunis." The part you're looking for is at 1:25.

Portman is hardworking a ballerina who's waited too long for Her Shot, Kunis is the younger(?) natural-talent understudy who swoops in and effortlessly-overshadows her, driving her all kinds of crazy. So... "Showgirls" from Gina Gershon's POV meets "Suspiria" crossed with "Mulholland Drive" and bit of "The Fly" right toward the end. On the one hand, looks pretty interesting. On the other hand, show-of-hands as to who's already A.) sensing a Big Twist and B.) sensing that they know what it is? On the OTHER hand... yeah, I'm in.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

numbers

For people who actually give a damn about movies beyond some kind of statistical horse-race (really, guys - when did moviegoing become fucking Fantasy Football?) watching boxoffice numbers is usually one of the most depressing things you can do. Which is why I rarely engage with it, save for circumstances like this weekend where the sociological implications carry a measure of interest. In any case, The Numbers are in...

Worthless, artless pandering to the lowest common-denominator "guy movie" (and the worst action film not featuring a badly-designed transforming robot)? #1.

Worthless, artless pandering to the lowest common-denominator "chick flick?" #2.

Something brilliant, genuinely-inspired and one of MAYBE three movies from Summer 2010 that will actually MATTER a year (or even three months) from now? #4. Behind fucking "The Other Guys."

Egh.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Already assured cult status, huge on DVD, remember-what-happened-for-Fight-Club-and-Fear&Loathing, etc. And take solace in the "big picture" that this wouldn't have even gotten MADE five years ago. All true.

But, still... "The Expendables?" Really? Humanity, sometimes you really just disgust me ;)

Friday, August 13, 2010

Escape to the Movies: "Scott Pilgrim vs The World"


You bet your ass it's that good.

"Intermission" wraps up the Nerd Movie Bible.

Normally, I'm uncomfortable being a movie "advocate" in addition to "critic," but I really am compelled to join the rest of the web in just PLEADING with anyone within earshot of this with even an inkling of seeing "Scott Pilgrim" to go give it some business this weekend. Yes, even if you're "sick" of Michael Cera - he's REALLY good in this. It's an almost-certain modern classic - easily one of the best films of the year, a future landmark in terms of the "language" of western filmmaking (editing in particular) and just a spectacular piece of work... and it'll be a real shame if it gets stomped all over - financially, anyway - by soulless, pandering "gender-niche" flotsam like "Eat Pray Love" or the unmitigated shitstorm that is "The Expendables."

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Now it can be told

Happy August-13th-as-of-45-minutes-ago everybody!

So, this week's "Escape to The Movies" should be up later today at noon, as usual. But since I only get to video-review one movie at a time (usually) I wanted to get the "bigger picture" in as soon as possible: And since it IS August-13th-as-of-45-minutes-ago, I can tell you that the answer to the puzzel... which all of you smarties apparently got right away... was that "The Expendables" is absolutely shit, "Eat Pray Love" is almost-certainly shit, but "Scott Pilgrim" is awesome - like, top-ten-best-of-the-year awesome.

But seriously - "The Expendables" is SHIT. I cannot stress that enough. Shit. S-H-I-T shit. At some point in the future I'll probably elaborate in video-form, but it can't be repeated enough: It sucks. It's "Transformers" bad. THAT bad.

And no, I don't mean that it sucks in the awesome way that 1980s "guy movies" suck and therefore it's ironically-awesome. I know that's what you've heard, and you've heard wrong. It's not an "homage" to bad movies, though it WANTS to be - it just IS a bad movie. Sloppily-directed, terribly written, and it doesn't even play to the strengths of it's assembled cast: Stallone and Rourke are both capable dramatic actors - why not give them anything to do? Statham and Jet Li are both skilled martial-arts stars - why are all the fights choppy over-edited MMA-looking crud? Dolph Lungdren and Terry Crews are funny - why not let them be? I'm struggling to think of anyone in this for whom it's NOT one of the worst things they've ever done, well... except for Steve Austin.

Oh, and the action? It's terrible. Guns get shot, guys fall over, pyro blows, that's about it. Occasionally there's an uninteresting fight scene. Remember all that glorious ultra-gore in "Rambo?" Yeah, not here. It was obviously shot with one eye on a potential PG-13, so it's all quick hits and blink-and-you-miss-it inserts.

It's a complete disaster, cynically banking on audiences either A.) actually still desiring this crap, or B.) thinking their getting Tarantino/Rodriguez-style crap-cinema-elevated-into-self-commentary when it's really just leftovers. So guys, I'm beggin' ya: PLEASE don't let it pay off for them. Not when a real, honest-for-real game-changing masterpiece like "Scott Pilgrim" (which, incidentally, also has better action scenes) is out there, too... or, hell, when you could even just go see Inception again ;)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

puzzle time! (updated with hint)

The meaning of this image will be revealed on Friday. Happy decoding.


HINT: If this were advice, you'd be wise to take it.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Overpowered

The last time I stuck hastily-assembled Mario photoshop stuff up on here, I wound up seeing it all over the web.

Let's see if that can happen again...

Friday, August 6, 2010

Torosaurus: 1891 - 2010

I don't know how many Paleontology buffs read this blog, but if you're out there with me this is about as big as this stuff gets. Writing in the Journal of Vertebrae Paleontology, Jack Horner (the "rock star" of fossil hunters) and John Scanella have concluded that Triceratops (discovered 1889) and the similar-looking Torosaurus (1891) are not differently-sized cousins of the same species; but rather a child and adult specimen of the same animal. As Triceratops (aka "kid version") was named first, both animals will now be known as such and Torosaurus will be stricken from the records.

The actual article is HERE:

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Avengers Teaser

No actors. No scenes. Nothing but a logo-reveal and Samuel L. Jackson reading the oldschool intro-copy ("And there came a day unlike any other day...") but, still, there it is: A teaser trailer for an "Avengers" movie.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Prop 8 overturned

As you've no doubt read by now, a federal judge on the California Supreme Court has ruled that Proposition 8 - which "banned" gay marriage in the state after it had been previously legalized - was a violation of the U.S. Constitution, specifically the due-process and equal-protection clauses. The case was heard via a legal challenge filed by lawyers Ted Olson and David Boies, a liberal and a conservative who teamed-up specifically to bring Prop8 down. Funny story about that: Do those names together sound familiar? Well, they were opposing counsels in Bush v. Gore in 2000. There's a movie in there somewhere...

Says the ruling: "Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California constitution the notion that opposite sex couples are superior to same sex couples."


The ruling, crucially, does not automatically "reinstate" the original legality of gay marriage in the state, and the decision will almost-definitely be appealed or otherwise challenged. So on to the Supreme Court we go. Anthony "Swing Justice" Kennedy is about to have a VERY full inbox.

In any case, a landmark Civil Rights decision and unquestionably reason to celebrate for gay marriage supporters - unless of course you're a Democrat up for re-election. See, they're having a HORRIBLE night because they know that the innevitable homophobic backlash is going to give Republicans a big adrenaline shot. It'll also play BIG with the "Tea Party" because it's a textbook example of Big Government overturning the will of The People... or, rather, that's what it might look like if you're the sort of person who regards cosplaying as Sam Adams and shouting about Kenyan birth-certificates at a largely-disorganized protest rally as being roughly-equivalent to a Constitutional Law degree ;)


Incidentally, if there ARE any "Tea" folks reading this who're feeling the pangs of righteous anger about this for whatever this week's variation on "I don't hate gays but _______" rational is; perhaps you ought take to heart these words from your movement's Patron Saint. No, not the snowbound hillbilly, the other one:

"Individual rights are not subject to a public vote: a majority has no right to vote away the rights of a minority. The political function of rights is precisely to protect minorities from oppression by majorities : and the smallest minority on earth is the individual." --Ayn Rand

Monday, August 2, 2010

Worlds lived, worlds died

Up until recently, "fan speculation" about what would occur in movie adaptations of scifi/comic/anime/whatever properties innevitably had to be projected through the prism of what would be most palatable to mainstream audiences who didn't come up marinating in the stuff. It's only logical, after all... except maybe it's not anymore. In a world where Marvel Studios seems poised to "justify" the asymetrical realities of their "Avengers" project by trotting out esoteric macguffins like The Cosmic Cube or Infinity Gauntlet, who can say what's "too strange" now?

With that in mind, take with maybe LESS than a bucketful of salt this purported "exclusive" from comicbookmovie.com, claiming the appearance of a certain disproportionately-important DC Universe character in the Green Lantern movie: KRONA.

Probably nothing but a fanservice-y minor beat. Probably. But if not, things could get really interesting really fast... (more after the break)

Short version: The Green Lanterns are space-cops whose main "big" job is preventing rogue individuals from causing cosmic-level threats. The inspiration for this mandate were the crimes of Krona, an ancient ancestor of the alien Gaurdians (the GLs' bosses.) A mad scientist, Krona built a machine that would let him witness the origins of the universe - a giant hand reaching out of nothingness and unleashing "everything." (Exactly whose hand that was is kind of a "big deal.") However, in piercing the fabric of time to get his peek, Krona wound up setting off a cosmic chain reaction that split the one Universe into a MULTIverse - an infinite number of similar-yet-not alternate realities primarily differentiated by possessing gender, race or age "flipped" Justice League memberships and/or collections of "forgotten" heroes purchased from defunct rival publishers. Up until about 1985, The Multiverse was the defining "big idea" of DC Comics; allowing writers an excuse to make radical changes to established characters without rocking the "main" lines and the all-important plugging of continuity holes - "oh, that actually happened on Earth 2" is the DC version of "a wizard did it."

So... yeah, probably just a fan-friendly nod to the arcana, since that's some REALLY dense fan-wankery to expect in a production from the "superheroes? Do we have those?" Warner Bros. lot at this point. But given that Geoff Johns was at Comic-Con making cryptic teases about GL kicking off an Avengers-style shared-continuity run for DC movies... what if it's not? After all, also turning up in the GL movie is Angela Bassett as perennial DC "linking character" Amanda Waller - who'd be REALLY easy to plug into the Nick Fury role, yes?

So, then, crazy radical thought for the day: How do you build a shared DC movie-continuity when you're two biggest "players" (Batman and Superman) are going to be stranded for the forseeable future in the Nolan Bros. stand-alone, no-one-else-lives-here worlds? Sure, you COULD just have two other actors play Batman and Superman in a "Justice League" movie and keep it seperate, but fans would be furious...

...unless, of course, "that actually happened on Earth 2."

Could that be Warners/DC's gambit? "Shared universe? Yeah, that's cool I guess. Have you seen our MULTIVERSE?"

Think about it: One passing line of dialogue from Krona (or whoever, really) about "different heroes on different worlds," some quick glimpse of Christian Bale's wheezing robo-suit Batman (and maybe Adam Wests too, while they're at it) on a monitor/crystal-ball/whatever and PRESTO! Suddenly the sloppy non-continuity geeks hate becomes the  preposterously-dense, graph-requiring continuity that geeks LOVE.

Likely? Hell no. But if Krona really is in the movie, don't expect me to be the last one to bring this up.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

the future is now

Thanks to everyone who reminded the me of this. Today is August 1st, 2010. Sound familiar?

Today is the day in "the future" where upon Lisa Simpson is supposed to marry Hugh St. John Alastair Parkfield, as foretold in 1995 by Episode 2F15. The nuptials were set to have occurred at 1:00pm this afternoon, and apparently would've worked out better had the wedding been held in church with God instead of outside in the cheap showiness of nature. (more after the break.)


Those who keep track of such things will of course note that we are now roughly 20 years away from Mrs. Simpson being elected as the first straight female president of the United States; approximately 2 years after which she (presumably) will, in a shocking act of nepotism, appoint her brother Bart to Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. And yeah, right up until Episode GABF12, that really did all more-or-less fit together.

Note: To save valuable time in replying to "Simpsons"-related posts, you may wish to copy-paste the following response in the comments: "Because it doesn't air in the early-AM on Adult-Swim or Comedy Central, I haven't actually watched "The Simpsons" in over a decade. However, I would nevertheless like to declare that it sucks and has not been funny since whenever I stopped regularly watching it except for that one I saw that actually WAS funny but must have therefore been an anomally." Thank you ;)