I Don't Care About Anthony Weiner's Penis...

...BUT I'm not above aluding to it for attention ;)

More after the jump, for benefit of people who have an issue with political stuff on the main page:


In case you hadn't heard, Democrat Congressman Anthony Weiner - best (only?) known for being young, photogenic and willing to let fly with a catchy firebrand eff-you quote directed at his Republican colleagues whenever anywhere near a TV camera - may or may not have Tweeted a picture of someone's underwear-clad junk late Friday night, then quickly deleted it, and that the junk in question may or may not belong to Weiner himself, and may or may not have been originally meant as a private message to a college girl he may or may not be having an affair with. On the one hand, Occam's Razor favors the "may" option. On the other hand, the folks driving the story are primarily working under utterly-discredited right-wing douchebag Andrew Breitbart; so "bullshit" is also totally feasible.

Whatever. I don't really give a shit about stuff like this - I happen to like Weiner (get it out of your systems now, I'll wait) and precisely NONE of the reasons I like him involve "seems like a guy who doesn't cheat on his wife." I don't give two shits about the penny ante moral-fortitude of - well... anything, technically, but especially politicians. Does he vote the way I'd prefer on things I care about? If YES, then I don't give a shit about his "decency." I want pro-choice federal judges, well-funded arts/sciences/infrastructure, a rigidly enforced barrier between Church and State and for "social conservative" lawmakers and lobbyists to go home every weekend squealin' from the feelin'; and if I get those things the guys who do the gettin' can fool around with whoever they like - at least until they're within reach of their spouse, i.e. the ONLY person whose business ANY of this is.

I've never really been able to understand WHY people react with such horror to politicians' sex lives. Right now, Newt Gingrich is aaaaaalllll kinds of trouble because he fools around, buys lavish gifts for women and remarries a lot. Seriously? THAT'S the problem with Newt, as opposed to the mountains of other stupid/dangerous things he promotes and stands for? Being a not-terribly-attractive/charismatic guy who takes advantage of his late-blooming fame and wealth to score chicks doesn't make Gingrich a bad candidate for office - being a willing shill for corporate douchebags and religious-right assholes makes him a bad candidate; the other stuff just makes him slightly more relatable. (Though NOT "likable," I stress - cheating isn't cool, Newt ditching his dying wife for someone younger much less so.)

Innevitably, someone is going to come back on this with the old "if they cheat on their wife, they'll cheat on The Country!!!" saw, which is one of those analogies that sounds pointed and insightful for all of a second before you realize it's just DUMB. What the hell does "cheat on the country" mean? Are people worried that insufficiently-monogamous Presidents will start slipping out on the weekends to Govern some other younger, better-looking nation? Actually... maybe that IS what a depressing number of people are actually worried about - think about how often "you'd rather be Canadian!!!" is used as somebody's idea of a slur against American liberals, or how frequently President Obama is derrided for seeming to have a preference for certain aspects of European culture over American.

Just once - ONCE! - I want to see a politician - ANY politicians - of either party caught in one of these "sex scandals" get up to the mic and give some version of the following statement:

"Hell yes, I had sex with that woman. And not just that one, either. A WHOLE bunch of women - seriously, you don't even know. You know who DID know? My wife, here." ::wife nods:: "Hell, she was THERE half the time! Yeah, that's right, we've got an 'arrangement.' It's 2011, fucking deal with it. Oh, don't misunderstand - she's pissed off at me alright... pissed off that I got stupid and got CAUGHT and now we have to do this dance for you media dipshits. Hell, the only reason we didn't just say this shit right upfront is that we were trying to get my ass ELECTED and you tools would've acted exactly like you're acting now, on account of being beholden to a voting/media-consuming public about 50% of which actually DO care more about this meaningless parochial bullshit than they do about things that actually effect their well-being." ::wife makes obscene gesture at aghast NY Post Reporter:: "Well, guess what? This is me, this is us, this is how we roll. And WHILE I've been in office, all y'all made out DAMN well. You like all those well-paid cops and firefighters? You enjoy that properly-scheduled mass-transit and functional roads and rails? You're welcome. Want it to keep comin'? FOUR MORE YEARS, bro! OR, you wanna go and toss all that out and roll the dice because how we run our bedroom is soooooo offensive to you? Well then good luck to ya, fucko - this press conference ALONE just landed me enough book deals, speaking engagements and 'on-staff contributor' gigs to live like royalty for the rest of our lives, so we're all good. Now, if you'll excuse us, the Missus and I have a dinner date with Miss July - don't worry, I'm sure there'll be a tape in a month or two. DONE!"

And that's why I am not a campaign manager.