Waylon Smithers to shit solid-gold brick
According to Variety, Universal has made a deal with Mattel for a live-action "Barbie" movie:
http://weblogs.variety.com/bfdealmemo/2009/09/u-turns-barbie-into-movie-star.html
No matter what else comes of it, this will almost certainly be the film with the widest gulf between how interesting it's development is versus how interesting it could ever be to watch. They never really felt the need to give this franchise a "narrative" (that I know of... ladies? Am I correct as to this?) so the question of "WTF is a movie of this even about?" is more paramount than even for also-optioned stuff like "Battleship" or "Monopoly."
Seriously: Turn off the "this is stupid" instinct for a minute and consider what the people who have to hammer a MOVIE out of this are in for. Is this a movie about this "character" as an actual person? In which case, is it actually a movie about a 5'9, 36-18-33 blonde with seemingly unlimited wealth and about 500 full-time careers? In which case... wouldn't the ONLY way that'd work be to make it something akin to a spoof? Even if so, Mattel isn't likely to let that be the direction - they guard the Barbie brand about as jealously as you'd guard an ACTUAL woman with those measurements. On the other hand, if it WAS a spoof it'd be an eerily perfect vehicle for Anna Faris (if it was a parody) or Jessica Simpson (if it was a comedy and they feel like going straight-to-DVD.)
That is, of course, assuming they want a major star - they might go looking for an unknown. Dear God, can you IMAGINE an open casting-call for "Barbie?" I picture a MASSIVE line of statuesque blonde women in wonderbras and heels wrapped around six blocks in downtown LA. And y'know what? People will be PAID to conduct those auditions. PAID!
http://weblogs.variety.com/bfdealmemo/2009/09/u-turns-barbie-into-movie-star.html
No matter what else comes of it, this will almost certainly be the film with the widest gulf between how interesting it's development is versus how interesting it could ever be to watch. They never really felt the need to give this franchise a "narrative" (that I know of... ladies? Am I correct as to this?) so the question of "WTF is a movie of this even about?" is more paramount than even for also-optioned stuff like "Battleship" or "Monopoly."
Seriously: Turn off the "this is stupid" instinct for a minute and consider what the people who have to hammer a MOVIE out of this are in for. Is this a movie about this "character" as an actual person? In which case, is it actually a movie about a 5'9, 36-18-33 blonde with seemingly unlimited wealth and about 500 full-time careers? In which case... wouldn't the ONLY way that'd work be to make it something akin to a spoof? Even if so, Mattel isn't likely to let that be the direction - they guard the Barbie brand about as jealously as you'd guard an ACTUAL woman with those measurements. On the other hand, if it WAS a spoof it'd be an eerily perfect vehicle for Anna Faris (if it was a parody) or Jessica Simpson (if it was a comedy and they feel like going straight-to-DVD.)
That is, of course, assuming they want a major star - they might go looking for an unknown. Dear God, can you IMAGINE an open casting-call for "Barbie?" I picture a MASSIVE line of statuesque blonde women in wonderbras and heels wrapped around six blocks in downtown LA. And y'know what? People will be PAID to conduct those auditions. PAID!
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs
Sometimes I know a movie is going to be good right away. This is one of those times, impending-goodness being announced early on when a wonderfully "real"-sounding kindergartener responds to his father's awkward narrow-frame-of-reference advice with an exaseperated cry of "I DON'T UNDERSTAND FISHING METAPHORS!!!" After that, I knew my afternoon was not about to be wasted.
There's a justifiable trepidation among many filmgoers about stopping in for a CG-Animated movie NOT bearing the "Pixar" stamp... you just never know if you're going to get an "Ice Age" (the first one) or a "Shark Tale." Well, if my word counts for anything, I reccomend that fans of animated comedy (or comedy in general) set said trepidation aside and give "Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs" a look. It's not aiming for the philosophical heft of a "Wall-E," but it's ALSO not wallowing in an ocean of cheap pop-culture-reference laughs. What we have here is a capital-F-Fun slapstick epic - a broad spoof of natural disaster blockbusters (particular the Roland Emmerich variety) bouncing around in the guise of an extraordinarily well-animated family comedy. I'm actually at a loss to describe the exact "type" of manic comedy on display, but the closest comparison I can think of is to opine that fans of the Spielberg-produced "big jokes for the kids, little jokes for the grownups" animated comedies of the 90s like Animaniacs and ESPECIALLY the late, lamented Freakazoid will feel RIGHT at home.
The whole enterprise is, technically, inspired by a well-regarded 1978 children's book; a good-natured morality-play in which the citizens of a town where food falls from the sky grow weary of culinary ease (plus the food is starting to get too big) and discover the greater joys of self-sufficiency. The FILM sets itself up mostly as a prequel, explaining how the phenomenon happened and why it ultimately stopped. Short version: Wacky inventor Flint Lockwood accidentally launches his miracle water-into-food converted into the stratosphere, resulting in periodic foodstorms that his struggling island town's corrupt mayor tries to turn into a publicity machine. Of course, things fly out of control and Flint and his friends are forced to undertake a dangerous mission to shut down the machine before mankind is wiped out by an apocalypse of oversized foodstuffs.
The plain fact is, it's just a well-made movie. The filmmakers wisely realize that the imaginatively-rendered "foodscapes" (an entire suburb burried in a "snowstorm" of ice cream scoops, a spaghetti tornado, a flotilla of sandwich-boats with pizza-slice sails, a massive fortune cookie crashing down on the Great Wall of China with a helpful prediction about the subsequent impact of a giant corn cob, etc.) are sufficient to generate visual interest and sight-gags without having to "stop for the jokes;" so we wind up with a lot of solidly-realized characters and well-explored relationships amid all the gorgeous tableaus. Flint's difficult relationship with his luddite dad and his creepy seduction by the town's oily Mayor (BRUCE CAMPBELL!!!) hit exactly the right notes; and his budding romance with a nerd-in-disguise weather girl is sweet in a way most live-action romcoms would kill to be.
It also understands that the key to a successful SPOOF is not what you make fun of, but what you DON'T. Accepting and even CELEBRATING the genuine appeal of Bruckheimer-style action scenes is what helped Team America soar, while Young Frankenstein wears it's affection for the Universal Horrors it's mocking on it's sleeve. "Cloudy" has it's fun with disaster movie conventions (a weatherman glibly notes the "odd" circumstance of the foodstorm "attacking" the world's most recognizable monuments BEFORE everything else...) and general movie tropes (during the innevitable "mob attacks man in car but never tries to break a window" scene, a character helpfully calls out "Let's rock his car back and forth!!!") but it also takes pains to play it's action beats "straight"... at least as straight as you can in a movie about giant food falling from the sky. An extended bit where a policeman (a fantastic Mr. T) makes a superhuman dash through the foodstorm to rescue his wife and son is an unapologetic stand-up-and-cheer hero moment - giant Dorito and all - while Flint and company's assault on the (now self-aware) "eye" of the foodstorm is a legitimately thrilling combination "Death Star" air-raid and dungeon-crawl that any live action blockbuster ought to be envious of.
This movie, let's face it, wasn't exactly on any discerning cineastes "must see" list; but in terms of animated family-comedy it's almost a perfect example of the genre. I'm not saying you should skip "The Informant!" in favor of this, but if you find yourself in the position of watching it I can safely say I don't think you'll be dissapointed.
There's a justifiable trepidation among many filmgoers about stopping in for a CG-Animated movie NOT bearing the "Pixar" stamp... you just never know if you're going to get an "Ice Age" (the first one) or a "Shark Tale." Well, if my word counts for anything, I reccomend that fans of animated comedy (or comedy in general) set said trepidation aside and give "Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs" a look. It's not aiming for the philosophical heft of a "Wall-E," but it's ALSO not wallowing in an ocean of cheap pop-culture-reference laughs. What we have here is a capital-F-Fun slapstick epic - a broad spoof of natural disaster blockbusters (particular the Roland Emmerich variety) bouncing around in the guise of an extraordinarily well-animated family comedy. I'm actually at a loss to describe the exact "type" of manic comedy on display, but the closest comparison I can think of is to opine that fans of the Spielberg-produced "big jokes for the kids, little jokes for the grownups" animated comedies of the 90s like Animaniacs and ESPECIALLY the late, lamented Freakazoid will feel RIGHT at home.
The whole enterprise is, technically, inspired by a well-regarded 1978 children's book; a good-natured morality-play in which the citizens of a town where food falls from the sky grow weary of culinary ease (plus the food is starting to get too big) and discover the greater joys of self-sufficiency. The FILM sets itself up mostly as a prequel, explaining how the phenomenon happened and why it ultimately stopped. Short version: Wacky inventor Flint Lockwood accidentally launches his miracle water-into-food converted into the stratosphere, resulting in periodic foodstorms that his struggling island town's corrupt mayor tries to turn into a publicity machine. Of course, things fly out of control and Flint and his friends are forced to undertake a dangerous mission to shut down the machine before mankind is wiped out by an apocalypse of oversized foodstuffs.
The plain fact is, it's just a well-made movie. The filmmakers wisely realize that the imaginatively-rendered "foodscapes" (an entire suburb burried in a "snowstorm" of ice cream scoops, a spaghetti tornado, a flotilla of sandwich-boats with pizza-slice sails, a massive fortune cookie crashing down on the Great Wall of China with a helpful prediction about the subsequent impact of a giant corn cob, etc.) are sufficient to generate visual interest and sight-gags without having to "stop for the jokes;" so we wind up with a lot of solidly-realized characters and well-explored relationships amid all the gorgeous tableaus. Flint's difficult relationship with his luddite dad and his creepy seduction by the town's oily Mayor (BRUCE CAMPBELL!!!) hit exactly the right notes; and his budding romance with a nerd-in-disguise weather girl is sweet in a way most live-action romcoms would kill to be.
It also understands that the key to a successful SPOOF is not what you make fun of, but what you DON'T. Accepting and even CELEBRATING the genuine appeal of Bruckheimer-style action scenes is what helped Team America soar, while Young Frankenstein wears it's affection for the Universal Horrors it's mocking on it's sleeve. "Cloudy" has it's fun with disaster movie conventions (a weatherman glibly notes the "odd" circumstance of the foodstorm "attacking" the world's most recognizable monuments BEFORE everything else...) and general movie tropes (during the innevitable "mob attacks man in car but never tries to break a window" scene, a character helpfully calls out "Let's rock his car back and forth!!!") but it also takes pains to play it's action beats "straight"... at least as straight as you can in a movie about giant food falling from the sky. An extended bit where a policeman (a fantastic Mr. T) makes a superhuman dash through the foodstorm to rescue his wife and son is an unapologetic stand-up-and-cheer hero moment - giant Dorito and all - while Flint and company's assault on the (now self-aware) "eye" of the foodstorm is a legitimately thrilling combination "Death Star" air-raid and dungeon-crawl that any live action blockbuster ought to be envious of.
This movie, let's face it, wasn't exactly on any discerning cineastes "must see" list; but in terms of animated family-comedy it's almost a perfect example of the genre. I'm not saying you should skip "The Informant!" in favor of this, but if you find yourself in the position of watching it I can safely say I don't think you'll be dissapointed.
"The Blind Side"
Embedded below, the trailer for "The Blind Side," an upcoming Sandra Bullock vehicle which I'm informed is "based on an inspiring true story" and from the looks of things is primed-and-ready to be the White People Feeling Good About Themselves film of the year...
Yeesh. "True" or not, it literally looks like someone snatched up all the most maudlin and irritating parts of various disposable feel-good films from the last decade and slapped together a "movie." Going by the trailer, it's the story of homeless, emotionally-withdrawn, gargantuan black teenager (think John Coffey meets Antwone Fisher) who is able to right his life only after being scooped up off the side of the road (literally, like he's a stray puppy or something) by a family of rich white people overseen by Bullock as an all-additude matriarch in the Erin Brokovich vein. They teach him how to sleep in a bed, go to school and play football real good; he teaches them... life lessons... about... stuff. ("yer changin' that boy's life!" "No... he's changin' MINE." Are you FUCKING kidding me!!??)
Dontcha just LOVE that one bit with Bullock's character getting the "talking-to" about her adoptee being beyond help by the older black woman presumably of some relation to him? Arentcha just gonna LOVE the way the film will ultimately be about proving her wrong and vindicating Bullock's ability to "save" him with the simple application of all the extra money and time her higher social-standing have afforded her? And how about that bit with Bullock marching up to the scary gangbangers and "tellin' `em the score?"
I'm told this is a true story, and that the guy actually got drafted by the NFL this year. If so, good for him. Doesn't mean the movie doesn't look like crap ;)
Yeesh. "True" or not, it literally looks like someone snatched up all the most maudlin and irritating parts of various disposable feel-good films from the last decade and slapped together a "movie." Going by the trailer, it's the story of homeless, emotionally-withdrawn, gargantuan black teenager (think John Coffey meets Antwone Fisher) who is able to right his life only after being scooped up off the side of the road (literally, like he's a stray puppy or something) by a family of rich white people overseen by Bullock as an all-additude matriarch in the Erin Brokovich vein. They teach him how to sleep in a bed, go to school and play football real good; he teaches them... life lessons... about... stuff. ("yer changin' that boy's life!" "No... he's changin' MINE." Are you FUCKING kidding me!!??)
Dontcha just LOVE that one bit with Bullock's character getting the "talking-to" about her adoptee being beyond help by the older black woman presumably of some relation to him? Arentcha just gonna LOVE the way the film will ultimately be about proving her wrong and vindicating Bullock's ability to "save" him with the simple application of all the extra money and time her higher social-standing have afforded her? And how about that bit with Bullock marching up to the scary gangbangers and "tellin' `em the score?"
I'm told this is a true story, and that the guy actually got drafted by the NFL this year. If so, good for him. Doesn't mean the movie doesn't look like crap ;)
spoiler of the year?
I'm largely prevented by various obligations from officially "reviewing" movies I see before they come out, but I'm pretty sure it's okay to just talk about various upcoming movies in nonspecific terms COMPLETELY unrelated to whether or not it's good.
In which case, please take note of the following: If someone begins to try and tell you about "the most awesomest thing EVER in 'Zombieland!!!," you should knock that person out with a shovel before they can finish that sentence. Just trust me on this one.
In which case, please take note of the following: If someone begins to try and tell you about "the most awesomest thing EVER in 'Zombieland!!!," you should knock that person out with a shovel before they can finish that sentence. Just trust me on this one.
Escape to the Movies: "Jennifer's Body"
Be honest, you kinda saw this coming...
Incidentally, my screening was preceeded by a trailer for something called "Transylmania," which - despite what you may assume (as I did) from the evidence at hand - is apparently an actual thing:
So who exactly was it that was crying-out for "This Generation's Transylvania 6-5000?" A little research tells me this is apparently the third sequel to the direct-to-DVD "National Lampoon's Dorm Daze" franchise, which I guess has some sort of following I wasn't aware of?
Incidentally, my screening was preceeded by a trailer for something called "Transylmania," which - despite what you may assume (as I did) from the evidence at hand - is apparently an actual thing:
So who exactly was it that was crying-out for "This Generation's Transylvania 6-5000?" A little research tells me this is apparently the third sequel to the direct-to-DVD "National Lampoon's Dorm Daze" franchise, which I guess has some sort of following I wasn't aware of?
What am I not getting here?
Is it wrong that I don't know WHY everyone is so horrified by the Kurt Cobain avatar in Guitar Hero 5? Or rather, more precisely, the fact that you can actually use it like ALL THE OTHER celebrity-rocker avatars in this series - i.e. to perform songs you'd never see them have done in reality?
I both love and am utterly perplexed by the abject DISGUST people are registering at the idea of CGI-Kurt shown performing music that's somehow "beneath" Nirvana's mythic heights. Granted, yes, I was never a grunge fan or an especially big appreciator of Nirvana (I'm still actively hoping that by the time it's been long enough to matter Nirvana will end up being remembered as "Dave Grohl's first Band"); but even if I were I'd like to think I'd STILL be sick to death at this point of Cobain's special-status as the "last thing my generation was supposed to take seriously." Fuck that, at this point.
There are LOTS of dead people CGI'ing their way through the Guitar Hero and Rock Band games, many of whom died more tragically and/or had more actual lasting influence on music than Cobain did. Hendrix has been in GH for what, 2 games now? 3? Johnny Cash is in this one as well, also recently-dead. Hell, there's TWO dead people out of FOUR in "Beatles: Rock Band," one of whom was assassinated as opposed to... well, you get the idea. Get over it, already.
I both love and am utterly perplexed by the abject DISGUST people are registering at the idea of CGI-Kurt shown performing music that's somehow "beneath" Nirvana's mythic heights. Granted, yes, I was never a grunge fan or an especially big appreciator of Nirvana (I'm still actively hoping that by the time it's been long enough to matter Nirvana will end up being remembered as "Dave Grohl's first Band"); but even if I were I'd like to think I'd STILL be sick to death at this point of Cobain's special-status as the "last thing my generation was supposed to take seriously." Fuck that, at this point.
There are LOTS of dead people CGI'ing their way through the Guitar Hero and Rock Band games, many of whom died more tragically and/or had more actual lasting influence on music than Cobain did. Hendrix has been in GH for what, 2 games now? 3? Johnny Cash is in this one as well, also recently-dead. Hell, there's TWO dead people out of FOUR in "Beatles: Rock Band," one of whom was assassinated as opposed to... well, you get the idea. Get over it, already.
